


Goin' to the Chapel

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-04-18
Updated: 2000-04-18
Packaged: 2018-11-11 05:38:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11142069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Renny and Kerri attempt to get married, with way too much help from RayK. A (hopefully) funny story with a very angsty ending.This story is a sequel toCountdown to V-Day.





	Goin' to the Chapel

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Wedding Bell Blues

Renny and Kerri make a valiant attempt to get married, with 'help' from RayK. This story is #12 in the 'Layers' series. 

All original due South characters are the property of the geniuses who created them. No infringement of copyright is intended. No profit is made or expected from this story. First posted to racinestreet, please do not reprint or post to any other site without my express written permission. 'Goin' to the Chapel' is © March 2000.

Goin' to the Chapel

by Shirley Russell

mailto:robsure@earthlink.net

Once upon a time, when Kerri Ann Hurst was a little girl, she dreamed of a fairytale wedding, one in which she would wear her mother's white beaded gown, and her groom would be resplendent in a black tuxedo. She even dreamed of her groom as a knight in shining armor, carrying her away on his noble steed. As she grew older, some of the fairytale faded away, but she still dreamed of the gown and the tuxedo. She dreamed of a tall stone cathedral with a broad center aisle covered with a carpet lined with flowers. She still dreamed of hundreds of friends tossing rose petals at them as she and her new husband made their way, hand in hand, back down the aisle, toward their storybook life together. She even dreamed of the messy tradition of smearing wedding cake all over her new husband's face. She dreamed of a vine-covered cottage with a white picket fence, finches singing in the trees and robins hopping through the newly mowed lawn. 

Within the last several years Kerri had begun to wonder if any of these things would ever happen. Then one day she had met Renfield Turnbull. It was pretty much love at first sight for both of them. He became her Knight in Shining Armor, the man she knew she would spend the rest of her life with. But she never imagined marrying Renfield; his past experience with marriage told Kerri that he would not ever want to attempt it again.

But as he so often did, Renny had surprised her. On St. Valentine's Day he had proposed, and after just a few moments hesitation, she had accepted. And so she would marry her Knight, and the fairytale would come true after all. Her mother's beaded gown, her handsome groom in tie and tails, the rose petals and the multi-tiered cake, the huge cathedral with its center aisle lined with flowers. The vine covered cottage with birds singing in the yard might have given way to a bookshop with a silly puppy in front of the fire, but they would have the perfect life together. She would have it all, all her dreams would come true with a man she loved more than life itself...

Overheated air caused her daydream to melt away. If her fairytale was about to become reality what the Hell was she doing here? When had the beautiful dream turned in to this, this nightmare? If she could get a hold of Ray Kowalski Vecchio right now she would not hesitate to murder him!

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Several weeks earlier 

The day after Valentine's Day Constable Renfield Turnbull reported to work at the Canadian Consulate, looking for all the world as if he would burst. At least that's what Inspector Meg Thatcher thought the moment she saw him. She was running a little late, and Turnbull was already at his desk in the foyer when she arrived.

Turnbull came to attention. "Good morning, Sir. Welcome to Cana..."

Meg sighed, some things never changed. "Constable, how many times do I have to tell you? It is not necessary for you to welcome me to Canada, I work here." She was mildly amused to see the full-grown man shift nervously from one foot to the other, putting her in mind of a small child who needed to make an emergency trip to the restroom.

"Is there something you need to attend to, Constable?"

"Sir?"

Some things never changed, the poor man was completely confused. "Constable, do you have some sort of urinary problem?" 

He looked puzzled for a moment. "Not that I am aware of, Sir." Still shifting from one foot to the other, completely oblivious to her meaning, and still looking for all the world as if he would pop, Turnbull sighed deeply.

"Letting a little air out probably will help..."

"Sir, I don't seem to be following the course of your conversation."

Some things never changed. Meg smiled at him. "At ease, Constable. Has Inspector McIntyre called?"

But Turnbull did not relax, and apparently did not hear her question. "Constable, this is getting very irritating. Is there, or is there not, something wrong with you?"

"Wrong, Sir? No, Sir. That is, Sir, it's not wrong, at least I hope it's not wrong. I don't think it's wrong and I'm sure she doesn't think it's wrong, otherwise she wouldn't have agreed, so no, I'm sure she doesn't think so and I don't think so either, and I hope you don't think..."

"Turnbull! Stop blithering! You are making my head spin, and it's not even 8:00 a.m. Who is 'she' and what is * _not*_ wrong? Spit it out, Constable, one word at a time."

He took a deep breath. "The she is Kerri, and the what is not wrong is our getting married." He exhaled so deeply Meg thought he would blow her over. Then she really heard what he had said.

Turnbull watched anxiously as a myriad of emotions crossed her face. She was at first confused, then astonished, and then, as the realization sunk in, profoundly happy. "You and Kerri are getting married?" She whispered. All Turnbull could do was grin, the goofiest grin she had ever seen, and nod his head. And all Meg could do was grin back and throw her arms around his neck, giving him a very un-superior officer like hug.

"Oh, Renfield this is just wonderful! I, I'm so happy for you both! When did this..."

It was at this precise moment that Constable Fraser, with Detective Ray Kowalski Vecchio in tow, chose to return to his office and place of residence. Meg was now overjoyed and embarrassed, all at the same time.

"'N I always thought she only had eyes fer you." Ray just loved to turn Fraser's crank, and if he could turn Thatcher's too, well it just made his day!

Meg released her hold on Turnbull, yanked her suit jacket to its correct position, and then cleared her throat. Completely ignoring Kowalski's existence, she looked directly into the blue-gray eyes of the man she was learning to care for so much. "It just so happens that Constable Turnbull has some extraordinarily good news." She turned in time to see Turnbull begin to shuffle and shift from one foot to the other again. She grinned even more broadly and nudged him with her elbow. "Tell them! If you don't I'm the one who's going to burst."

"It's just, well, I, that is Kerri, she, ah, she, that is..."

Meg couldn't stand it, she burst. "They're getting married!"

Ray and Fraser were on Turnbull in an instant, shaking his hand, slapping him on the back and in general heaping congratulations on him.

"Well done, Constable!" Turnbull was thrilled to see Constable Fraser's genuine pleasure.

"It's 'bout time." Ray beamed. "Always thought Kerri was smarter than ta get hooked ta ya permanent!"

Through all of the enthusiasm, Turnbull could only grin, the silly, goofy Mountie grin that always made people suspect he was either extremely empty headed, or hiding a very special secret.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

As the men were pounding each other on the back and making their manly noises, Meg escaped to her office. In fifteen seconds she had Kerri on the phone.

"Renfield just told us. Kerri, it's wonderful! I am so happy for you both. We have to have a bridal shower, and plan the wedding. Should I wear my dress uniform or..."

Meg could hear Kerri giggling on the other end of the line. "I don't know who's more excited, me, Renfield, or you! I haven't really thought about anything yet. I have all kinds of ideas I've dreamed about since I was a kid, but I haven't made any specific plans." She hesitated briefly. "Except for one thing. I'd like for you to be my Maid of Honor."

Meg was speechless. Kerri was her very dear friend, but she had never thought about standing up with her. She was deeply touched. "Oh, my! Kerri, I'd be honored. I guess the uniform's out!"

"I've always dreamed of a formal wedding, with bride's maids and groom's men and ring bearers and flower girls. With all we've been through I think Renfield and I deserve a lavish..."

While Kerri and Meg dreamed of white weddings and formal attire over the phone, Ray, Ben and Renfield carried on a discussion all their own in the foyer.

"I was thinking of a small ceremony in Vancouver with just my father and his pastor. With all we've been through I think Kerri and I deserve a quiet..."

"Yeah, that's cool, but lemme think about it, cause I might have a idea that would be good fer ya."

Fraser could see the wheels turning in Ray's head, and he wasn't at all sure he liked what he saw. He thought it looked decidedly - painful.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Although they carried several different types of magazines in the bookshop, Kerri had to go to the local drug store to find the ones she was looking for. When Renfield returned home from work that night, there were at least a half dozen bridal magazines strewn all over the floor of the apartment. There was 'Modern Bride' 'Fabulous Weddings' and several others open to articles whose titles ranged from 'Planning a Formal Wedding on a Budget' to "Exotic Weddings in Exotic Locations '.

Kerri was sitting on the floor, in the middle of the pile of articles, her mind a million miles away. Renfield felt a growing sense of dread as he surveyed the room. "Kerri? What's all this?"

 

She looked startled as her daydream bubble burst. "Oh, Renny!" She jumped up and threw herself into his arms. "I didn't hear you come in. Look at all this stuff. I've come up with some wonderful ideas I want to show you. Did you know there's an island in Puget Sound where they do nothing but weddings? You can book the entire island for the wedding party." She started grabbing magazines and flipping through pages. "Darn! I don't know what I did with it, but there's a really great idea for a wedding where all the men wear kilts and the women tartan sashes. I even looked up your tartan and coat of arms. Did you know there are three bulls on your coat of arms? That seems rather appropriate, doesn't it? Anyway, I looked into the cost of the wool, and it's a little pricey, but I could make the sashes, and there's a lady in Vancouver, of all places, who makes the kilts and I got some money saved, and..." 

In her exuberance Kerri failed to notice the look on Renfield's face. It had never occurred to him that Kerri and he would have such diametrically opposite ideas of what their wedding would be like. What was he to do? He'd been through the formal wedding experience once before, and just could not face that again, but there was no way he would ever hurt her either. Oh, dear, what on earth was he to do?

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Fraser was the first to become aware of the change in Turnbull. He noticed that the younger Constable's usual exuberance had faded, and he seemed reluctant to talk of his pending nuptials. Three days after Renfield made his announcement, Fraser decided to find out what was bothering his friend.

"Turnbull, could I see you in my office for a moment?" Ever the obedient junior officer, Turnbull followed without a word. Fraser was never good with personal discussions and this time was no different, but if there was something wrong, he needed to get to the bottom of it.

"Constable, er, Renfield, is there something bothering you? Usually a groom-to-be is much more, ah, enthusiastic. You and Kerri are not having, having, ah, difficulties, are you?"

"No, Sir. Kerri and I have always gotten along very well." Once again Turnbull's lack of enthusiasm worried Fraser.

"Renfield, if there were something wrong, I hope you would tell me. In the past year you and I have, well, I'd like to think we are, that's is, I would like to think that..."

"We are friends, Sir?"

"Exactly. Friends. So if you would like to talk about it, I would, ah, I mean maybe I could help." Talking about things like this always made him so darned uncomfortable.

Turnbull stood stock-still and stared at his boots. Turnbull was such a complicated man, with such depth of emotion, Fraser's concern for him was growing. "Turnbull?"

"It's just, just that I don't think I can do it, Sir. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't think I..."

"Turnbull, you're not having second thoughts? I mean, I've heard about men who get cold..."

Turnbull's head snapped up in surprise. "Oh, no Sir! I am sure that marrying Kerri is exactly the right thing to do. It's just, well, she wants a big wedding, and I don't think I can handle it."

Fraser exhaled deeply. He was so relieved he wanted to hug the man. Turnbull and Kerri had been through so much, it would break everyone's heart, especially Meg's, to have them call it off now. He smiled to himself, he had never seen Meg so excited about anything. But, seeing the look on Turnbull's face, Fraser began to think that this might not be such a trivial problem after all.

Not being an expert in the field of relationships Fraser was at a loss as to what to suggest. He finally decided the direct approach might be best. He personally had never tried the direct approach with women, but Ray had often said it worked. Ray's experience seemed to prove otherwise, but it was a try. "Have you spoken to her about this?"

The man standing in front of him began to shuffle and stare at his boots again. "No," he whispered.

"Constable, I am not going to order you, that would be beyond my jurisdiction as a fellow officer. But I will tell you as a friend, I think you should go home right now and talk to Kerri about this. You can't go through your entire married life constantly differing to her because you are afraid of hurting her feelings. Kerri would not want that, and you would in all likelihood give yourself an ulcer."

"Sir?"

"Go! I'll cover for you with Inspector Thatcher."

When Turnbull did not move it was necessary for Fraser to give him a direct order. "Shoo!"

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

"Goodness, Renny! What are you doing home in the middle of the afternoon?"

"Constable Fraser, um, that is he, ah, sent me home to..."

"Renny, you're not sick?"

"No, I'm fine. It's just, can we go up stairs?"

Kerri left Kathy, the latest in a long line of addle brained young women she had hired to help out in the bookshop, in charge of things, and followed Renny upstairs. This began what she had come to refer to as 'phase 1'. Phase 1 was the introduction to most any serious discussion she had with Renny. They always went through it, prior to getting to the point. Usually he came up with something out of the clear blue, something that was of profound importance to him, but of only mild concern to her. 

She had no idea why Renny was home early, and she wasn't going to worry about it, that would come in phase 2, whenever they got to it. But, from the look on his face she could tell that he was upset about something, so this time she was pretty sure they would get to phase 2 more quickly than usual. She hated it when he looked like this, so much like a little boy with a great big problem, and sometimes it was like pulling teeth to get him to tell her what was bothering him. "Renny, why are you home early?"

"Constable Fraser said I should talk to you about what's been bothering me." When he hung his head and stared at his boots Kerri began phase 2, the worrying phase. She'd been so busy dreaming of wedding plans she hadn't noticed he was upset. The fact that Benton had noticed it before she did made her very angry with herself. What was it Ray was so fond of saying, 'kick 'em in the head'? Well, for once Ray was right, she wanted to kick herself in the head.

"What is it Renny? What's bothering you?"

"I, uh, I was afraid, that, that I'd hurt your feelings. But I just don't think I, I can do it." Unlike Fraser, it never occurred to Kerri that Renny had changed his mind about getting married.

"Renny, what can't you do? What ever it is, you're not going to hurt my feelings. It hurts me more that you've been worried about something and I was too preoccupied to notice."

He just blurted it out. "I don't think I can stand a large, formal wedding!"

Kerri was so stunned she just stood and gaped at him.

"I'm sorry, it's just, well, I still have a little trouble with things that remind me of, of the past. I know how much it means to you, and if it's that important, I will try, really try to get over being so silly."

Kerri had turned away from him and walked to the front window. She didn't hear much of what he was saying because she was too engrossed in her own thoughts. How could she possibly have been so thoughtless? The sweetest, most considerate man she had ever known, and she could not return the favor. Of course he would be uncomfortable at a monster-sized wedding! Damn! She always said there was nothing more important to her than Renny's happiness, and then she just went merrily along completely oblivious to the way he felt. 

And from somewhere far away she heard him call himself silly. Kerri turned to face him with tears in her eyes. "I am so very sorry, Renny. I was so excited about getting married that I never stopped to consider your feelings. The way you feel about your past is not silly! I'm so sorry I made you feel it was."

Turnbull breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. "You don't have to apologize to me." He puffed up like a peacock. "I'm doing so much better facing the past, with your help. It's just some things..."

"Renny, shut up and kiss me?" Ever the obedient fiancé, Turnbull silently complied.

With her head resting against his chest they began phase 3, the 'how are we going to solve this one' phase. "So what kind of wedding do you want? Should we go to the courthouse, or maybe to Vancouver?"

"I was thinking of going to Vancouver, but Ray said he had an idea. I'd like to hear what he thinks."

Uh, oh. "Ray?" But she wouldn't think about that now, because they were entering phase 4, the 'let's forget about it for now and find a good place to cuddle' phase.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Ray had a wedding idea all right, and that idea consisted of two words, longer than many of his ideas by at least one word. Those two words were: Las Vegas.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Ray was thrilled that Turnbull was interested in his 'idea'. "Ya know it'd be greatness. All kinds a people get married there. My man Dennis Rodman and his lady Carmen Electra got married there..."

That was probably not the best example of a recommendation Ray could have made to him, but it did set Turnbull to thinking. The last time he had flown, coming back from his misadventure to confront the hit and run driver who had killed - Renfield shuddered. The last time he had flown he'd read an article in the in-flight magazine about a hotel in Las Vegas called Excaliber.

Excaliber, like so many of the newer hotels in Las Vegas, was built around a theme, and its theme was medieval times. A picture in the magazine had shown it to be patterned after a fairytale castle, complete with Merlin the Magician peering at passers by from a tall tower. What had really caught his eye though, were the theme rooms, with life-size suits of armor standing in the halls. Maybe Las Vegas wasn't such a far-fetched idea after all. Now all he'd have to do was convince Kerri.

Before speaking to Kerri about Ray's 'idea' Turnbull did his homework. Via the Internet he learned as much as he possibly could about the Excaliber Hotel. He discovered that the honeymoon suite included a sunken marble, jetted bathtub in the shape of a heart, a four-poster king sized bed, that made him smile, and a massive fireplace. The hotel even had it's own wedding chapel, two of them actually. The pictures he saw were of the Canterbury Chapel, a very traditional, tastefully decorated chapel, with lovely stained glass windows. The description noted that it held up to twenty-five guests and contained it's own small organ. The cost of renting the chapel even included use of a 'bride's room' where Kerri could dress, a large selection of flowers to choose from, and a reception area. There was even an in house bakery where they could order a cake, or other pastries for the reception.

The more he read, the more excited he became. It seemed perfect for them. A small, traditional wedding and an exciting honeymoon in a medieval castle, where he could continue to be her knight in shining armor...or out of armor, as the case may be. He giggled at the thought. He just knew when he described it to Kerri she would love the idea, as long as he was able to explain it very carefully, emphasizing the armor part.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

To say Kerri was incredulous would not have done justice to the way she felt. Ray had been known to have a few really good ideas, but as far as Kerri was concerned, this was not one of them.

"Las Vegas? Renny, you can't be serious! That's where people go for 'quickie' marriages and even quicker divorces. It's, it's tacky! I don't want..."

"Kerri, wait. You're jumping to conclusions. I've got all kinds of information and pictures. There's a hotel called Excaliber, and it's just like a fairytale castle. They have a really nice chapel; see here's a picture. It would be just like having the ceremony in a church, and the advertisement says we can pick the denomination of the pastor and everything." Renny sidled up to her and sneaked in the picture of the suits of armor standing proudly in the halls. "These are all over the place."

Kerri looked at the picture and then up at Renny. "They have real suits of armor?" Suits of armor, a fairytale castle? 'Hmm,' she thought.

"Sure." At least he hoped they were real. "And they have a moat, so if you get mad at me you can throw me in." 

Kerri did not smile at his joke. "And the chapel's not gaudy?" She still wasn't thoroughly convinced.

"Here's a picture. See, it has French Provincial furniture, and stained glass windows, and the organ is fairly well hidden. They provide an organist, if we want, flowers, and even a cake. They have a photographer..."

Kerri still wasn't sure, the idea of a wedding in Las Vegas set her teeth on edge. But if it was what Renny wanted. "You're sure?" When he nodded all she could do was smile. "As long as you swear to me it will be tasteful, and won't be gaudy."

Renny raised his right hand and swore. If he'd only known...

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

"Leave everythin' ta me." Ray grinned at his friend, the lopsided 'I've got the world in my pocket' grin that made those who knew him well, like Fraser, cringe. Turnbull and Kerri were two of the best friends Ray had ever had, and he was going to do right by them.

"I told Kerri about the Excaliber. We both really like the idea of the theme rooms. She thinks it's a good idea." At least he prayed she thought so. "You're sure you want to do this?" When Ray nodded and grinned again Turnbull was confident. "So you will take care of all the preparations? I can count on you?"

"I'd never let ya down. You can count on me." Ray was thrilled to be helping a friend, 'yep' he thought, 'ya can count on me. But Excaliber's not good, I got a lots better idea.'

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Renfield didn't share any of the details with Kerri, he just told her he wanted it to be a surprise, and Kerri loved his surprises. She just didn't know enough about what was going on to be worried. If she had known that Renny had turned all the preparations over to Ray, oh dear.

There was one thing she did feel the need to know, however. "How about a license, Renny? Can we get one since we're not US citizens?"

"I found out all about that. All we need in Nevada are our passports, and the licensing agency is open twenty-four hours a day. It only closes at midnight on Sunday and then reopens Monday morning."

'That must be to allow their employees to go to church, or to the casino, whichever they prefer,' Kerri thought. She really had to stop thinking that way, Renny's excitement over the whole thing was actually beginning to become contagious. She was really kind of looking forward to the fairytale castle. "Does the hotel have an airport shuttle..."

Renny grinned. "Ray says he rented a limousine for us as a wedding present."

"A limousine? Renny, isn't that a little excessive? I mean it's a nice gesture, but it's a little flashy, don't you think?"

"Lots of wedding parties ride in limousines, especially in the US. Come on, it will be fun, and it means a lot to Ray."

Kerri smiled reluctantly. "If it means that much to Ray, then I guess it will be fun. Come to think of it, I've never ridden in one before." Maybe a fancy car would be fun, as long as it was tasteful.

Once the arrangements were made Ray gave Turnbull a date. It was actually harder to arrange coverage for the three officers at the Consulate than it had been to arrange the wedding. But after several calls to Ottawa, and the intervention of Inspector Scott, Kerri's former boss, two officers were assigned to fill in at the Consulate for a day or two.

The wedding was planned for a Friday, in the late afternoon. That gave them time to leave early Friday morning, and time to prepare for the ceremony once they arrived. Ray had this synchronized to the split second, and he would allow nothing to spoil his plans.

The flight to Las Vegas was uneventful. Just like when they had made their emergency trip to Vancouver after Renny, Kerri's status with the airline's frequent flyer program allowed all of the party to travel first class. When the flight attendant found out they were on their way to a wedding, and he had the bride and groom as his passengers, the champagne flowed freely. Of course Fraser, who only drank when making the obligatory toast to the Queen, declined, stating that he would wait until he could raise his glass to the newly married couple. Renfield was secretly very proud to know that Constable Fraser would rank them with the Queen as deserving his toast. 

If the whole truth were known, Renfield was very proud of the whole occasion. He was marrying the most beautiful woman in the world, and three of the best friends a man could have were traveling halfway across a continent to witness the event. He glowed with the self-satisfaction of a man who was happier than he had ever thought he could be.

He looked at his bride-to-be and smiled. He had gone from being a man who had buried all his emotions deep inside himself to this moment all because of Kerri. He thought his heart just might burst in his chest from the love and gratitude he felt for her.

He glanced at the men who were his best friends. Choosing a Best Man had been no more of a problem for Renfield than choosing a Maid of Honor had been for Kerri. It was not a problem for Renfield because he could not and would not choose between his friends. Fraser was his mentor, his role model, the finest man he had ever known, and his friend. And Ray, well Ray had believed in him when no one else had. Renfield thought back to the time he had awakened from his coma. Ray was there, and had been there for him many times since. So, Renfield had two Best Men, Fraser Best Man #1 and Ray Best Man #2. It made perfect sense to Renfield, and it also made perfect sense to his friends. Even Kerri, who desperately wanted a traditional wedding, was thrilled by what she called his 'Solomon-like' wisdom.

As the small wedding party exited the plane in Las Vegas Renfield was one happy man. As far as he was concerned all was right with the world.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

A liveried chauffeur, holding a sign that read 'Vecchio' greeted the small wedding party at the end of the jetway. Ray was so excited he danced over to the man.

"I'm Vecchio, ya got a car fer us?"

"Yes, sir. If you will all give me the claim checks for you luggage and follow me, please?" Their driver took Kerri's large garment bag and led them in the direction of the car.

Exiting the terminal was like opening an oven door. Chicago had heat, oppressive heat in the summer, and the humidity bothered all of them, with the possible exception of Ray. But the heat here was awful! People said it wasn't that bad because it was 'a dry heat'. But as far as all the Canadians present were concerned after the temperature climbed above the 104 melt human skin temperature, hot was hot, dry or not.

The vehicle that waited at the curb for their arrival could only be called a 'car' in the broadest definition of the word. Sure, it was powered by an internal combustion engine, had a steering wheel and a front seat for a driver, and places for passengers to sit. However, to refer to this limousine as merely a car would be doing it a gross injustice. The vehicle was at least twice as long as any car any of them had ever ridden in. So long in fact, it was necessary for it to have tandem axles. 

"Wow, this's cool." Ray turned to Kerri and Turnbull. "Isn't this like the coolest thing ya ever seen?"

Kerri and Meg were actually afraid to get in to the thing. Meg turned to Fraser and whispered, "it's obscene! It looks just like a pimp-mobile."

Fraser frowned, first a Meg and then at the offensive automobile. He then plastered on the best insincere smile he could manage and stepped aside as the chauffeur held the door open for the ladies. Fraser had to nudge Meg gently to get her to slide in.

By the time Meg got inside, Kerri had bunched herself into the far corner and stared around her with wide eyes. "It's, it's very ostentatious. It's a little overwhelming." Tiny lights twinkled along the floor, around the windows and around the doors. There were more liquor bottles lining the wall that separated them from the driver than in most cocktail lounges. 

Meg stared at the two TV screens. She could only nod in agreement to Kerri's comment, for once in her life she could think of absolutely nothing to say.

After the driver, who finally identified himself as Augustus, had collected their luggage, they made their way to the Excaliber. Kerri could see the hotel from the interstate, and it was just as Renny had described it, a fairytale castle. She was actually excited. She could see the hotel in the distance as they approached, she could see it as the car drew even with the castle, and she could see it as they sailed right on by.

"But Ray, aren't we going to turn?"

"Nah, we're not goin' there. We're goin' some place a whole lot better." Ray grinned at them as Kerri looked questioningly at Renny. Meg glared at Fraser, who in turn glared at Ray, who continued to grin at Renny and Kerri.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

So this was how Kerri found herself, a garment bag full of wedding gown, a groom, a Best Man, and a Maid of Honor in tow, standing in front of a sign that read 'First drive thru wedding chapel in the US'. Another, smaller sign, with an image of a finger pointing west, read 'Ya'll on foot enter 'round the corner'.

Meg was certain from the look on her face that Kerri was either going to murder the first man who spoke to her, or faint from the heat. Personally she would have chosen to murder Ray Kowalski or Vecchio or whatever, but he had driven off with the chauffeur in search of a parking spot long enough for the obscene limousine.

Meg came up behind Turnbull and whispered in his ear. "Constable, you'd better say something to Kerri right now, before she decides to take the next bus back to Edmonton." But Turnbull looked as if he was trying desperately to awaken from a horrible nightmare, and Meg wasn't sure he heard her. "Constable!"

Turnbull snapped to and realized what Meg had said. "Kerri, this must be a, a, a mistake. Maybe the front of the building is different. Maybe this is like, like the servant's entrance in a mansion. Maybe the nicer part is around the corner..."

"Yeah, and pigs fly." Meg whispered under her breath.

Turnbull took Kerri's hand, pleading with her, "Kerri, please, let's take a look around the corner."

Kerri allowed herself to be pulled the half block to the corner. Turnbull prayed as they turned the corner onto Sherman. Oh, dear. 

The tiny wedding party was greeted by a lavender and black lettered neon sign, covered with ornately drawn lovebirds holding a ribbon in their beaks that formed a heart. The lavender ribbon encircled large black letters that read 'Graceland's Little Chapel O'Love: Greetin's to the Turnbull wedding'. A smaller sign, resembling a 'For Sale' sign was stuck, slightly askew, in the lawn. It read 'Over 700 weddings done every year, and most of them took too!'

Turnbull and Kerri could not move, but it didn't take long for either one of them to take in the scene before them. There was a circular drive in front of a lavender stucco building, lined with Roman columns supporting a graceful archway. The underside of the graceful archway was painted midnight blue, with stylized fluffy white clouds. Suspended from several of the fluffy clouds were fat little gilded cherubs, naked of course. In the grassy area that was separated from the building by the driveway, next to the '...and most of them took' sign, stood three plaster deer, looking totally lost and completely out of place. A white picket fence protected them from serious bodily injury by cars moving up the drive.

The entrance to the chapel was through yet another archway, this one white lattice, covered with plastic ivy and yellow roses. The plastic roses were a grim portent to what they would discover once inside the lavender building.

"It's awfully hot here in the sun, maybe we should go inside." Fraser hoped that getting them off the hot, busy street might improve everyone's state of mind. He also knew there was no way that the inside of the chapel could be any worse than the outside.

He was very wrong. 

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

As Fraser opened the front door of the Chapel all present jumped right out of their skin. A speaker hidden somewhere in the plastic ivy began blaring out a trumpet rendition of 'Here Comes the Bride'.  
  
The lobby of 'Graceland's Little Chapel O'Love' had apparently been decorated by the same person who decorated the outside of the Chapel. Green shag carpet, reminiscent in color and texture to the lawn with the frozen deer, greeted their feet, while interior walls boasting the same lavender paint that covered the stucco outside assailed their eyes. The only difference inside was that in place of the deer this room was lined around the perimeter with gilded rococo style chairs, upholstered with lime green crushed velvet fabric.  
  
Renfield, the artistic one of the group, felt he needed sunglasses to subdue the garish clash of color in the room. "Oh, my God..."  
  
The trumpets hidden in the ivy announced Ray's entrance into the chapel. He came in just in time to hear Turnbull's comment. "It's great, n'it?" Ray was so proud of his arrangements he failed to see the glares from Meg and Fraser, and only noticed the wide eyes of Turnbull and Kerri. He mistook their shock for wonderment. "Lookit all the terrific velvet paintings. There's one a Elvis, and here's one a love birds," he elbowed Turnbull in the side, "just like you guys."  
  
Meg and Ben, probably the bravest of the group, timidly peeked through the swinging doors to the chapel, almost afraid to look at the small room where the ceremony would be conducted. Unfortunately, the room continued the color scheme of the lobby. The was an archway at the front, decorated with what they assumed to be the same plastic ivy and roses, the only difference being that these roses where pink. The walls were the same lavender color and the green velvet chairs were lined neatly in rows. From somewhere came overly loud piped in music of birds singing. It looked exactly like Meg had prayed it wouldn't.  
  
"Welcome to the Chapel O'Love. You the Turnbull party?" The small group turned toward the voice behind them. They were greeted by a plump, sixtyish woman, with gray hair, and a rather hard, lined face. She tried to smile, but no one present felt it was sincere, with the possible exception of Kerri, who hadn't even noticed her. Kerri was still staring in disbelief at the likeness of Elvis, painted on black velvet and mounted in a gilded frame.  
  
"You the bride?" The older woman looked at the pretty blonde carrying a garment bag she assumed contained a gown.  
  
Meg hoped with all her heart that Kerri *would not* say 'no, I am not the bride, and I am not going to be a bride, at least not here'. She also prayed that Kerri *would* say 'no, I am not the bride, and I am not going to be a bride, at least not here'. She didn't know which she wanted more, for Turnbull and Kerri to say 'I do', or to get out of this, this, god what was this place, anyway? Meg finally sighed in relief when Kerri turned toward  
Ray, looked at him oddly for several moments, and then turned toward the woman.  
  
"Yes, ma'am, I'm the bride." All of them, with the exception of Ray, who was completely oblivious, breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Follow me, ya can change in the ladies. Tuxedos ya reserved are that way." Apparently the room where the men were to change was in some vague direction toward the opposite end of the lobby. The men went in search of that room, while Meg and Kerri followed the woman to the ladies room.  
  
"Not a lot a room in here. Hope that dress doesn't gotta ten foot train." The lady smiled to herself and disappeared back down the hall.  
  
When the woman was out of earshot, Meg turned to Kerri. "Are you okay? I mean it's not so bad, it's..." Kerri stood with her back to Meg, and slowly put her hands over her face. Meg was sure she was crying. She put her arm gently around her friend's shoulders. "If you want I'll have Ben kill Ray for you." Her words were whispered, but the thought rang through. In fact he might not even ask Ben, she might just do it herself. He'd even made Kerri cry. This was her wedding for God's sake, what was Turnbull thinking, letting that tasteless oaf Kowalski or Vecchio or whatever, take charge of all the arrangements?

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Slowly Meg began to realize Kerri wasn't crying, she was laughing! "Kerri?"

Kerri looked at Meg with tears of laughter in her eyes. "Oh, Meg it's just so awful, it's funny!" Barely able to get the words out, Kerri almost doubled over with laughter. "I, I've n...never seen anything so com...completely tasteless..."

Her laugher was contagious, and Meg caught it after a few moments. "I know...it...it looks like...like a bordello exploded out there!" The women continued to laugh as they changed their clothes. Meg was relieved, and amazed that Kerri was taking things so well. This could have been a total disaster.

"I don't know if I would be able to handle this as well as you are."

"Ray has been a good friend, and he really did mean well. I just saw how proud he was of what he'd done for us, and I couldn't hurt his feelings. He's had it kind of rough lately, missing Jeanette and all. Renfield may never forgive him, but I really do think it's funny." They continued to laugh until they finished changing, and Meg got a good look at Kerri in her mother's gown.

"Oh, my! You look so beautiful, you're going to knock Turnbull's socks off!" Kerri almost never wore her hair up, but today was an exception. Meg helped her pile the thick blonde mane under a crown of silk flowers, leaving long tendrils curling over her ears and at the nape of her neck. The gown was made of satin and lace, with seed beads on the bodice and cap sleeves. The low cut, scalloped neckline was not cut so low as to reveal too much cleavage, but just enough to be enticing. 

Meg also looked lovely in her deep red satin gown. Kerri had selected the color based on something Meg had told her in passing several months ago. Benton had told Meg that 'red suited her'. And Kerri had to agree. This particular shade, so deep it was almost burgundy, set off the auburn highlights in her hair and made her eyes glow. Like Kerri's, Meg's gown was low cut, but not too low. Her hair wasn't quite long enough to wear up, but Meg curled it around her face. The scooped neckline of the gown and the slight curling of hair around her face gave Meg a soft, almost demure look. 

"Benton's eyes are going to pop out of their sockets when he gets a look at you!"

"Yeah, from the clash of this dress against the lavender walls!" Both of them began to laugh again.

Both women looked good enough to increase the heart rate of the strongest man.

It didn't take Kerri and Meg all that long to get prepared for the ceremony, physically at least. Emotionally it was another story. Kerri couldn't stop giggling. Meg was beginning to suspect that Kerri was having a case of nerves.

"Okay, we need to settle down. You going to be okay to go out there?" 

Meg watched as Kerri took several deep breaths and valiantly tried to compose herself. After closing her eyes for a few seconds, Kerri smiled and set her chin, "It's now or never."

Kerri opened the door and allowed Meg to exit first. Before Kerri could follow, Meg stopped dead in her tracks and then quickly turned and pushed Kerri back into the restroom. "Don't go out there..."

"What? Why?"

"Trust me, you do NOT want to go out there."

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

While Meg and Kerri were changing their clothes in the ladies room, Turnbull, Fraser and Ray went in search of the tuxedos Ray had rented for them. Unfortunately, the Chapel O'Love Tuxedo rental department was not very large, and usually only rented matching tuxedos in pairs, and then rarely to a man as tall as Renfield Turnbull. Ray had told them to use their best judgement in finding three tuxedos that matched, with one that had pants long enough for Turnbull.

The result of the rental department's 'best judgement' was currently standing the lobby. They had been able to locate three matching tuxedos, with one as close as they could get to the inseam length Turnbull needed. Unfortunately, the last time these particular tuxedos were in style was probably about 1974\. They were made of powder blue polyester, with extra wide lapels trimmed in deeper blue velvet. Each man wore matching blue velvet bow ties and lace trimmed white shirts. The most unfortunate part however, was the suit Turnbull wore. The closest they could come to his size lacked approximately two inches in the length of the pants and about the same in the length of the coat sleeves. 

There seemed to be a considerable amount of harsh words coming from the general direction of the three friends. Turnbull had long since stopped speaking to Ray, so most of the harsh words were coming from Fraser. "Ray, what in the world were you thinking? We look absolutely ridiculous! If I didn't want to disappoint Kerri, there is no way you would ever have gotten me into this absurd get up! We look like, like..."

"The Three Musketeers?" Ray made a valiant attempt at humor. It failed.

"More like The Three Stooges." Turnbull was not trying to be funny, and his tone was not lost on Ray.

"I toll ya I was sorry. What more kin I do? Is it my fault this place only has two of each kind a tux?" Ray looked sideways at Turnbull. He'd seen the big guy mad before, just never mad at him. "I'm sorry man, I thought I was doin'..."

At that moment the world ended for Renfield Turnbull. The man who was to perform ceremony had just entered the room.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

What Meg saw when she left the ladies room were three grown men, who's springtime pastel blue tuxedos caused them to look like they had been costumed by a demented Easter bunny. But that wasn't what caused her to turn tail and rush Kerri back in to the room. What put her into full retreat was their 'pastor'. Simply put the man in charge of conducting Turnbull and Kerri's ceremony was an Elvis impersonator. 

The man was obviously wearing a wig, and the largest colored glasses Meg had ever seen. His clothing must have been of simulated leather, because she was sure there wasn't enough real leather in the entire world to clothe this man. The bell-bottom pants, the shirt and the cape he was wearing were all made of cream colored simulated...something. The cape, almost floor length, was covered with golden studs that formed a Phoenix. She was sure when fully opened the cape would display the full wingspan of the Phoenix. Elvis also wore a broad belt with a buckle at the center that reminded her of a trophy she had once seen awarded to those wrestling men on American TV. The belt itself wouldn't have been quite so bad if Elvis's belly hadn't hung over it by at least three inches.

Somehow, all of this really didn't surprise Meg, it nauseated her, but it didn't surprise her. What else could she have possibly expected from the 'Graceland's Little Chapel O'Love', or from this day, for that matter? She just wasn't sure how Kerri was going to take the latest event in this seemingly never-ending nightmare.

"Meg, what on earth? What's wrong now? Let me get out of here." Kerri tried to brush past her, but Meg stood her ground. "Oh, come on! How bad could it be, for God's sake..." When she saw the look on Meg's face she hesitated. "That bad?"

Meg nodded. "Kerri the, the man who is going to conduct the ceremony is, well, he's a, he's an Elvis impersonator!"

Kerri hung her head and sighed. "I was afraid of that, but what else did you expect?"

"You mean you knew?"

"I suspected so, I mean this is, well, the 'Graceland' chapel after all."

"But he's not even a good impersonator! He's the old Elvis, not even the good looking, younger version." 

Kerri smiled at her friend, as a knock came at the door. "Are you ladies ready?" The inquiry must have come from a new player in the wedding game, because neither Kerri nor Meg recognized the male voice.

"We're coming." Kerri started out the door just as Meg grabbed her arm. "What?" She had trouble hiding the impatience in her voice. "Is there something else?"

"Nothing," she sighed, "just, just ignore the tuxedos."

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Meg needn't have worried. By the time she and Kerri entered the chapel 'Elvis', Renfield, Benton and Ray had taken their places at the front of the room. As soon as their eyes met, nothing else mattered to Renfield and Kerri.

Kerri didn't even notice the powder blue tuxedos the men wore, all she saw was the love that shown in Renny's blue eyes. The fact that they were to be married by Elvis no longer mattered to Renny, all that he cared about was the beautiful woman walking slowly toward him. The only thing either one of them noticed, or cared about, was each other.

Neither one of them saw Meg banging her forehead on Fraser's shoulder as the organist took her place. The sixtyish woman who had greeted them when they arrived had donned a black beehive 'Priscilla Presely' wig and silver lame' stretch pants. She sat at the organ and began to play, with a flourish, something that sounded vaguely like 'I Wanna Hold Your Hand' or 'Pacabel's Canon', none of them knew for sure.

It was probably just as well that neither of them heard most of what Elvis said in his feigned Southern accent, sounding more like the cartoon character Top Dawg, than Elvis Presley. All that mattered to them at this moment was the love they felt for each other. They did mange to say "I do" after Elvis asked them if "Ya'll promise ta luv, honer and cherish, til death splits ya up?" And Renny did manage to acknowledge the end of ceremony when Elvis told him to "kiss the new missus."

Their small group of friends smiled and sighed in relief as the new Mr. and Mrs. Renfield Turnbull turned to face them. They were relieved that Renfield and Kerri had made it through some very rough times and their love had survived, and they were relieved that they had made it through this day without committing murder, specifically the murder of one Stanley Raymond Kowalski Vecchio.

Ray was as proud as could be. "See," he said, looking pointedly at Meg, "I toll ya it'd be greatness!"

Meg glared at Ray as Kerri and Renfield hugged their friends. 

After Benton gave her a very self-conscious peck on the cheek, it was Ray's turn to kiss the bride. Ray wasn't totally stupid, he had slowly become aware that this wedding was not exactly what Kerri had anticipated. As he drew near to kiss her Ray whispered, "I'm sorry if yer disappointed. I just wanted ta do somethin' special fer both of ya. I never meant..."

Kerri hugged her special friend; they had been through a lot together, more than anyone else would ever know. In fact, she felt closer to Ray than any of their other friends. There was no way in the world that she would ever hurt him. She spoke just loud enough to make sure that everyone present heard her. "Thank you Ray, for making this so, so, memorable for us." Ray grinned, broadly enough to almost break his face. Once, awhile back, he had thought he was in love with Kerri, now he was sure of it. She was the best 'girl' friend he had ever had.

Meg wondered if all brides were as beautiful, and as forgiving as Kerri. It was probably just as well that Kerri had forgiven him, because Vecchio's blood would have clashed terribly with the lime green crushed velvet upholstery, the lavender walls, the blue tuxedos and her red dress.

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Once upon a time Ray had heard Turnbull mention that he loved chocolate cake. So, trying to be the best Best Man #2 Turnbull could have ever wanted, Ray made arrangements with the 'Chapel O'Love'. They all had chocolate wedding cake and champagne in a small reception room next to the chapel. They all laughed and cried when they saw the beautiful bride standing atop the cake, next to an armor clad knight. She knew now,deep within her, that where or how one got married made little difference, the only important thing was who they married.

Renny and Kerri could do little else but smile. Words failed them both as they beamed at everyone that came their way, but especially at each other. Kerri had never known it was possible to be this happy. She honestly believed with all her heart she was walking on air.

Elvis rarely stayed at any of the receptions held in his chapel. He found most of the people kinda boring, so he usually grabbed a hunk of cake and a couple glasses of bubbly and skipped out to perform the next ceremony. His was a volume business after all. But he hung around this reception for a while. He thought it'd been a long time since he'd had women in his place that were such lookers. Did an old man's heart good ta see such gorgeous babes, helped the eyes some too. Dottie, or Priscilla, depending on her hairstyle, got harder on the eyes the older she got. It never occurred to him that being married to him might have helped her along a little.

As Best Man #1 it fell to Fraser to toast the Bride and Groom. He cleared his throat, more to ease his embarrassment than to get everyone's attention, and raised his glass. "To Renfield and Kerri," no more insincere smiles for him, Fraser smiled the deepest and most heartfelt smile any of them had ever seen from him, "to Renfield and Kerri, who have proven to everyone who knows them that not only does love conquer all, but also that the love of the right woman can bring," he hesitated as his eyes locked with Meg's, "can bring a man in from the wilderness and make him whole." He watched as tears gathered in Meg's eyes. "To Ren and Kerri."

As they raised their glasses to the happy couple, Kerri finally became aware of what Renny was wearing. As she stood on her toes to kiss him, she whispered, "I'd love to help you get out of this awful suit."

He took her in his arms and kissed her deeply, completely oblivious to the all the people watching them. Ray cleared his throat loudly. "Reception's over. They gotta get a room."

"Ray!"

Ray could not understand Fraser's retort. "Well they do!" And boy did he have the room for them.

Ray had not gone with the limo driver to find a place to park the darn thing; he had had the driver drop him off around the corner from the Chapel. He smiled to himself as he patted his coat pocket. He had their key, tucked safely away for just the right moment. Room 4 at the 'Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love Waterbed Motel. That was the room for them! 

Epilogue:

(Sorry I can't seem to write a story without some angst)

The man stood on his patio leaning on his elbows against the low glass wall that separated the terra cotta tiled area from the pool and tennis courts below. He loved the view of the sun setting over the dessert. It had taken him many months to grow accustomed to the cactus and sagebrush and other dessert plants that changed very little as the seasons progressed. At home the dogwood and azaleas would be blooming. The daffodils would be up in all their glory by now. The lawn probably already needed to be mowed.

'Shit!' He had become an expert at blocking those memories from his mind. His life depended on it, for Christ's sake. But today had been close, too close for comfort. And, dammit, he was scared.

He'd been cruising down Las Vegas Blvd just like he had a hundred times before. Feeling almost, not quite, but almost comfortable in the back of the long black limousine. The blacked-out windows allowed him to gaze at the world while allowing him the anonymity his 'family' required.

Sheila was with him of course, long legs wrapped around him, skirt hiked up to here, hands under his shirt, doing all sorts of wonderful things to his body. She couldn't have cared less that Nick was sitting not three feet away, drooling at every move she made. She got off on doing these things to him in the limo's luxurious surroundings, and Nick got off on watching them. Pervert!

And then he'd see them. Standing on the corner in front of that tacky drive-thru wedding chapel, laughing and acting as if they didn't have a care in the world. He'd seen Turnbull first, hard to miss the tall guy in a crowd. When he saw Thatcher his blood turned cold. Time stopped for him as he tried desperately not to look any farther. But he couldn't help himself, he continued to stare as Nero held the car at the red light.

He saw the gorgeous blonde that Turnbull held too protectively, and he saw the guy he recognized from the picture Welsh had shown him, the guy who took his place. And when he could no long control the urge, he looked at Benny. 

He was sure Sheila had felt him flinch, he just prayed that Nick hadn't noticed as well.

And so Armando Langoustini stood on his patio, staring at the dessert sunset. But it was Ray Vecchio that stood, lonely and scared, with tears streaming down his cheeks

 

The End

 


End file.
